...wow, where to start... I guess we have all made mistakes in our lives, friendships, and personal relationships that we aren't proud of. The shitty thing is that sometimes when I feel like a friend has done me wrong, I'm going to get them back, because I'm an impatient bastard, and fuck "karma" that shit takes way too long... after that, it just becomes a "fuck you" contest that never ends. What really sucks is when people put up a big front like they are invincible and feel no pain... I actually DID get my feelings hurt, however, I reached out and tried to rekindle our friendship a long time ago by apologizing, and while the apology was accepted, she never apologized to me. Sometimes I wonder if in her mind, she really thinks she's the victim who got fucked over, and didn't do anything wrong... but I will never know, and that really fucking sucks.
What hurts the most is knowing that although there may be a friendship somewhere WAY down the line, it will never be what it used to be. We had a lot of good times together, and sometimes I wonder how it's possible to have that great of a friendship with someone, and have it turn into shit so quickly... When I befriend someone I'm all in, and I trust that person until they give me a reason not to. Maybe that's why I ended up feeling so hurt in the end and she didn't. I would like to think that when you drive to work together, you babysit someone's kids, you go out together at night, that you are definitely friends with the person, which is why I don't understand a lot of what happened. I started hearing weird things from random girls at work about how I look like "Elvira with my long dark hair", and things about my tattoos, and things about having smaller boobs then her, and talking shit about me doing porn. I chose to put up my wall because I couldn't understand why a friend would say that shit about me and continue to smile in my face. A little while later I heard that she told someone I broke into her house to steal a clock radio, lol. Of all this things to steal... I don't even like waking up! I think the last straw for me was one night at work I was having a pretty great night and she told me hers was bad, so I told her to go dance for the guy I was sitting with all night (let's call him "B") and get a couple hundred bucks from him... he never talked to me again after that night. Not only did he never talk to me again, he wouldn't even look in my direction, which automatically led me to believe all of the things I had been hearing from other girls. To this day, I still don't know what I did to her at that point in our friendship to make her say all that shit about me... but being the butt hurt, hair trigger person I am, I retaliated. I got even more infuriated when I saw her turning herself into the exact person she was talking shit about, and claiming that "that's just who she is, she's real" and blah blah blah.
I realize that two wrongs don't make a right, but I am more than willing to admit my shortcomings and character flaws. I am a HUMAN, I am not invincible, I make mistakes, I feel pain, I feel hatred, and sometimes I react in a bad way. On the other hand, when I befriend someone, I am all in, all my cards are on the table, I give them my love and trust until it is broken, I never claim to be something I am not. I am not one dimensional, I am authentic, and I am complex, but if you get to know me before you throw away my friendship, you will see that I will have your back when everyone else in the world is against you. I am 100% me. Love it or leave it, this is who I am, my true friends who have stood by me for years know who I am, and love me for being myself.
So here's to you "K", my second and final attempt to bury the hatchet. Here is a public apology for all the world to see. I am sorry for the things I have said about you, and although I felt entitled to doing the things I have done, I was WRONG. It just seems easier to hate someone that you used to love after you get your feelings hurt. I know we had a great friendship a long time ago, and it makes me sad knowing we will never be able to go back to that, but I don't understand why there is still so much rivalry and bitterness after all this time has passed. As each day passes I am learning a lot of things about life, love, growing up, and letting go. I am done hating you, yes I am still hurt about the things you said about me, and I know none of what we did to each other can ever be taken back, but this is me saying I am sorry for my part in everything, and just letting go.
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" - Plato
